Unhappy-Go-Lucky by Ian Pattison

Author:Ian Pattison
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Profile Books
Published: 2013-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

Fourteen

I felt uneasy over my handling of the Dr Ryford consultation. It had begun to dawn on me that in my headlong rush for so-called ‘knowledge’ I might have closed a door in my mother’s mind, rather than opened one. In a spirit of self-flagellation, I rang Stan.

‘You spoke to Ryford?’

‘Yes,’ I said.

‘You pressed him for details, for facts?’

‘Facts and details, Stan. One to four, that’s his best offer.’

‘We’re not selling a house.’ It was a reproach but mild. He was mollified that I had acquired hard information. Stan liked facts.

‘At least now we know,’ he said.

‘That’s what I thought.’ I was relieved. Stan wasn’t berating me for my insistence on showing Mother her ticking meter, he was paying me a grudging compliment. I realised the unpleasant shiftiness of my own position: I was more concerned that my brother should think I’d done the right thing than that I’d forced the bloodied corpse of our mother’s stunted life to be held up before her own agonised gaze.

‘So you think I did the right thing?’ I shouldn’t have asked him outright. My brother immediately sensed weakness.

‘Why are you asking? You think you did the wrong thing?’

‘Not wrong.’

‘But not right. What’s on your mind, Ivan? You’re sorry you told her?’

‘Not sorry.’

‘For God’s sake—’

‘Tell me I’m being airy fairy, an old hippy or something, but I wondered if …’

‘What?’

‘Well, if she’d have been better not knowing.’

I gave a cowardly little chortle as I said this, like it was a trivial thing, pre-empting someone’s life; happened every day between emptying the garbage and ironing a shirt. I was fearful, at this heightened time, that my blundering action might solidify into lifelong legend: ‘There he goes, Mother freezer Moss; cut her life short; chilled her to death with hard mean facts.’

‘Why do you say that?’ Stan asked.

‘Not knowing gave her hope.’

‘Hope? Or self-delusion?’

‘Whichever, that was her business, Stan. No one has the right to take that comfort away. If that’s what helped her, made an intolerable situation bearable.’ I was arguing hard against my own position, I had to be careful. I began to soft pedal. ‘I mean, whatever gets you through the night, Stan. Religion. Ouija boards, you name it.’

‘Now you sound like an old hippy.’

I gave another chuckle, trying to keep the tone light. ‘I mean, ask yourself – would you want to know when exactly you were going to die?’

He thought for a moment. ‘She has one to four, that’s not exact.’

I couldn’t keep up the pretence. I had to say it. I said it.

‘Stan, I’ll come clean. I have a horrible fear I’ve put a full stop on her life.’

There was a silence.

‘Stan?’

My brother said, ‘Yes, yes, I heard. I was thinking. I see.’

‘What do you see? Stan? What?’

‘You’re asking me if you did the wrong thing in making Ryford tell her?’

‘No, not wrong. I’m asking you if I did the right thing. You know … the thing which is right.’

He didn’t speak. I thought I’d lost him this time for sure.

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